I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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