roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
