Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
