Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
