Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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