saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
