A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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