Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
