smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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