he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
