Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
