Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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