I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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