mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
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It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck