dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was