Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.