I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.