Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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