I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
