apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
