my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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