That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
