Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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