Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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