I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
