He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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