Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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