How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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