I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
