i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
