new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
