i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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