An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
