The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
