He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
