Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
