If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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