if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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