i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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