i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
