I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
