3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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