Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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