Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
