Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
do nipples grow back?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
