So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
