I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
