Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...