I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa