Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.