you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have aggressive nipples.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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