that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
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A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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