Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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