Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
