hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
