i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
