I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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