U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
