When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
