He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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