Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
