just tell him i said nine months
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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